THE PENTAGON — Following the conclusion of a lengthy period of focused testing and evaluation, the Department of Defense is poised to mandate full gender neutral integration of hair standards across the US military.

The Defense study, conducted at the request of Secretary Ashton Carter earlier last year, sought to thoroughly analyze the effects of fully integrated hairstyles in the ranks. It received sharp criticism from many familiar with the issue.

“For far too long, the US military has propagated an environment of double standards, lowered expectations, and lame-ass haircuts,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford, running his fingers through his luscious mane, working carefully to wrap the flowing locks into a compact, gender nonconforming “War Bun” atop his head.

“It is time we are all on the same sheet of music," Dunford added, "and it pleases me to announce today the conclusion of a rigorous testing process, one in which the participants were handpicked, a…