Pentagon announces ‘green’ 6th-gen fighters to burn $100 bills as fuel

THE PENTAGON — The yearly Force Readiness and Future Investments report from the Pentagon identifies key areas of R&D investment for future acquisitions programs. This year’s report took extensive consideration on the environmental concerns of running the military’s aviation missions. In an effort to be good stewards of the Earth, top officials have declared that the next generation of fighter jets will be “greener.”

“We have come under significant pressure from the public to field ‘greener’ aircraft,” noted a Pentagon acquisitions spokesman. “The ice caps are melting. Species are going extinct. California and Australia are on fire. Heat waves are the new normal. We needed to think greener.”

”And nothing is greener than a crisp Benjamin.”

The spokesman confirmed that 6th-generation fighter jets will burn straight $100 bills as fuel.

“Running gas-burning jets comes with numerous challenges and problems,” the spokesman said. “Rather than indirectly purchasing gas and then burning it—which is terrible for the environment—why not literally burn cash instead? Why not do it directly? Absolutely brilliant. Our best work since the conception of the Joint Strike Fighter.”

Although no definitive timeline was given, Pentagon acquisitions officials hope to begin fielding test versions of this technology very soon.

“We are working very closely with our good buddies and friends in industry to make this vision a reality” said the spokesman. “We will begin providing huge mountains of cash to contractors to begin testing their prototypes. These are extremely exciting times and I could not be more honored to be a part of this monumental part of human history” concluded the teary-eyed spokesman.