PENTAGON — With efforts by Congress to overhaul the way the military handles sexual assault cases stalled in the Senate Armed Services Committee, the Pentagon has come up with a new program to demonstrate they aren’t ignoring this endemic problem: all women will now be given hazard-duty pay regardless of where they are assigned.

“It’s time to do the right thing for those exposed to constant danger,” explained Gen. Mark A. Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “All troops qualify for hazard duty pay when deployed into combat zones because of the extra threat to life and limb. With thousands of women facing sexual assault every year at home and abroad, well hell, it just makes sense to compensate them somewhat for that danger.”

The new policy isn’t just additional pay, explained Navy Chief of Staff Adm. Michael M. Gilday. ”Just as most troops have to train vigorously through exercises, inspections, and training events prior to deploying into combat, women will be provided nonstop, continuous training to increase their survivability and lethality, no matter where they are physically located.”

“Plus, women now are authorized to carry loaded weapons any time they are in uniform. If there are more than five women together at a time, a weapon like the M249 Squad Automatic Weapon is authorized.”