Pentagon bans physical activity for deployed troops

THE PENTAGON — Deployed service members will no longer be allowed to perform any physical activity in combat zones, according to a new Pentagon policy announced this week.

The policy change comes amid fallout from fitness tracking apps that apparently exposed the locations of bases overseas in Iraq and Syria that locals and ISIS fighters alike had absolutely no idea about. In a statement, a Pentagon spokesman stressed that the measure, which would require deployed military personnel to remain as sedentary as possible for the duration of their deployment, is a good sign for operational security.

"Clearly these personal fitness trackers worried us," said Lt. Col. Jason Baker. "But in this type of environment where opposing military forces are unable to see our troops building outposts with American-made Hesco barriers and giant rooftop security positions with machine-guns, it is important that we remain vigilant and deny the enemy any advantage."

Baker added that he could only say the outposts were built in undisclosed locations, the official Pentagon term for Syria.

According to defense officials, troops will be required to conduct regular physical training prior to deploying. But once overseas, individual unit commanders are to conduct regular inspections for silkie shorts and other banned physical training paraphernalia.

The Pentagon is also considering a ban on GPS in favor of maps and compasses, and is also looking into the possibility of banning watches and sunglasses, which could reflect sunlight and give away troops' positions, in addition to uniforms, which officials may give the appearance to indigenous personnel that American military forces are operating in certain areas.