Pentagon deletes Afghanistan photos following ugly breakup

Girl, you can do so much better.

By Paul J. O’Leary

WASHINGTON D.C. — Friends couldn’t help but notice the Pentagon purged its social media of all photographs of Afghanistan following the couple’s recent breakup. 

Sources close to both Afghanistan and the Pentagon say the 20-year relationship always seemed toxic but ended abruptly when U. S. troops abruptly departed in the dead of night last August.

“Who does that?” said Pakistan, Afghanistan’s neighbor and closest friend. “They were celebrating their 20-year anniversary in a month and the Pentagon just ghosts Afghanistan. What the fuck?” 

Neither the Pentagon nor Afghanistan were “ready to talk about it” yet, but sources agree the once-promising relationship never truly recovered from America’s insistence on conducting combat operations with Iraq while still involved with Afghanistan. 

“I could have told you that would happen,” added Pakistan with a tone of indignation. “America was always acting like they were all slick telling Afghanistan they were the main effort, but always trying to cross MY border when Afghanistan wasn’t looking. I don’t play that, but everyone around here knows what Iraq is like.” 

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This week the Pentagon purged thousands of pictures and videos of Afghanistan from its social media. 

Sources report both Russia and China have been seen assuring Afghanistan it is better off without America and, to be honest, always deserved better. 

However, not everyone sees the U.S. as the villain in this drama. 

“Look mate, everyone ‘knows’ what Afghanistan is like,” said the United Kingdom. “This whole thing is a carbon copy of what happened with us and even the Greeks back in the day.” 

“And Russia got burned by Afghanistan before so I don’t know what they expect now.” 

Other countries tried to take a more neutral position during the messy breakup.

“Look,” said Tajikistan, “they’re both my allies. They’re going through some things and I’m just not looking to choose sides.” 

Sources speaking on condition of anonymity suggested the Pentagon allegedly kept a collection of racier photos of Afghanistan to use as revenge in case Afghanistan “starts some shit.”

Paul J. O’Leary is an Army veteran who enjoys mixing good bourbon with Rip-its and thinks a couple 15-6s are a small price to pay for a good time. He also writes for Task & Purpose and can be found on Twitter at @pauljoleary. 

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