Pentagon forms 'Symmetric Warfare Group' in case of massive conventional war

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — A newly-obtained Pentagon memo has revealed that the military is working to build a Symmetric Warfare Group, sources confirmed today.

The Department of Defense has stood up a multi-service cadre at Fort Bragg, North Carolina with the stated purpose of devising tactics, techniques, and procedures for battling militaries whose strength is comparable to that of the U.S, the memo said.

"This is a huge development for us, and the DoD as a whole," said U.S. Army Col. Leon Korsich, commander of the Symmetric Warfare Group. "We used to think future conflicts would be fought against violent extremists, ragtag insurgents, and rogue hackers, but now we believe they will be fought against near-peer adversaries, with well-trained troops and heavy materiel on opposing sides.

"No one currently serving has real-world experience in that regard," he added.

By his own admission, Korsich believes the military has paid too much attention to nation-building, counterinsurgency, and low-intensity conflict, all to the detriment of its conventional warfare capability.

This could leave America's armed forces unready for the next large-scale war, which may very well be waged against nation-state actors that actually have capable air forces and armored corps, among other challenges. Korsich declined to name any specific country, lest he draw the ire of a massive East-Asian state that is home to 18% of the world's population.

"We steamrolled Grenada, Panama, the Taliban, and the Iraqi military twice," Korsich elaborated. "The last time we truly went toe-to-toe with another powerful army in open battle was the Korean War."

Officials said the Pentagon had hoped to re-enlist several Korean War veterans to lead the new unit, but the plan was scrapped because those veterans were too old to return to active duty.

Meanwhile, the Symmetric Warfare Group has been busy at work, mostly interviewing retirees, studying historical battles, and reviewing old military manuals, in hopes of gleaning useful information.

Some of the possible scenarios the group has rediscovered or formulated include sending thousands of soldiers into combat at a time, launching airstrikes on actual military targets, and shooting at lawful combatants wearing distinguishable uniforms.

Though progress has been slow, Korsich is confident their labors will pay dividends when the tactics developed are employed in the real world, hopefully within the next year or two.

At press time, the Air Force section of the group was mulling the utility of fire-bombing entire cities, though it was leaning in favor of deploying air-dropped nuclear bombs.