Pentagon leaders exchange lobbyists for Christmas

“Ooh, is that a Raytheon? I’ve always wanted a Raytheon!”

By Cat Astronaut

THE PENTAGON — Leaders across the Department of Defense celebrated the Christmas holiday by exchanging lobbyists, sources confirmed today.

“Ooh, is that a Raytheon? I’ve always wanted a Raytheon!” Acting Defense Secretary Christopher Miller said during the annual Pentagon Christmas party while shaking a man-sized box sitting under a Christmas tree in the Pentagon courtyard. “My mom gets me a General Dynamics every year, and I’m soooo bored of it.”

The gift exchange, dubbed “TS/SCI Santa,” was classified at the highest levels, and each participant was only allowed access to see the specific gift that they’re given.

To keep the atmosphere light and playful, contracts signed during the lobbyist exchange were limited to 5 years and 3.5 billion dollars.

“We all remember that one time we did a lobbyist white elephant and it led to us signing off on the F-35 program. What a mess,” said Gen. Mark Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “I think there was a little too much Lockheed Martin-brand rum in the eggnog that year.”

According to officials, this year every Pentagon leader was expected to acquire a lobbyist, wrap it, and place it under the tree. Then on Christmas morning, gifts were exchanged at random, adding to the element of surprise, which is one of the principles of war.

Miller said the exchange added some much-needed cheer into a usually stern work environment.

“All year-round, we’re so serious about the fact that this whole system is just a racket to ensure money and contracts keep flowing, that we never just sit back and have some holiday laughs at the expense of taxpayers,” said Miller. “We forget that the military-industrial complex is supposed to be joyful and fun.” 

At press time, it was glaringly obvious to all of the Joint Chiefs that the gift from the Commandant of the Marine Corps was just an M240 machine gun wrapped in used Taco Bell napkins.


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