Pentagon Warns Troops To Take Shelter From Internet

THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense issued a directive to the services Monday, ordering each branch to warn members of a "dangerous and unpredictable Internet," amid recent threats of lone wolf attacks against military and their families. Leaders claim the warning will provide service members the tools they need to hide from the Internet at home and abroad.

"The Internet can be anywhere at anytime," the published directive reads. "Service members should maintain vigilance when visiting their favorite websites, driving to base, and walking past dark alleyways where the Internet could be lurking in the shadows."

Although the guidance has yet to make it into official service publications, some commands have already issued their own instruction in preparation, advising service members to remove photos and military affiliation from social media sites, take addresses off their mailboxes and burn their uniforms in their back yards.

"We don't want these guys to forget why we risked our lives in Iraq and Afghanistan," said Col. Carl Dupinski, an Army commander based out of Fort Benning. "It wasn't to walk around like bad asses in our own country. They need to be afraid for their families and take caution."

In a press release Friday, the Air Force announced it would consider authorizing the wear of issued combat vest with civilian attire, and raise the American flag for only two hours per day instead of the normal dawn to dusk. Rumors are circulating at the Pentagon that other services are preparing to announce their own protective measures, such as ordering men to tuck their penises between their legs and women to act more passive in public.

"Some service members want to say, 'Fuck you Internet, come and get me,' or 'I'm not hiding in my own backyard,'" said Pentagon spokesman Maj. Peter Nickel. "We need them to understand that is not the answer, and get them to stop spreading ideas that put other war veterans at risk."