Pentagon To Rename Confederate Bases For Army Values

THE PENTAGON — As the controversy surrounding the flying of the Confederate Battle Flag in South Carolina swirls, Army officials have moved to rename installations currently named after slave-holding insurrectionists for the seven Army Values.

Army spokesperson Col. Steve Warren announced that today, Forts Hood, Bragg, Lee, Gordon, Pickett, Rucker, and A.P. Hill would be known as Forts Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage, respectively. Each fort's namesake was a leader who led rebellion against the US Government in a failed attempt to keep African-Americans as property.

"There are a lot of great figures in our Army," said Warren. "Just look at Ross McGinnes. He's 19 years old and leaped onto a grenade to save his friends. But is there a Fort McGinnes? Fuck no, we have bases named for Confederate generals, half of whom weren't even any good in the first place. I mean, for fuck's sake, Braxton Bragg? He practically lost the West for the Confederacy."

"Although, I suppose in a roundabout way, that makes him a hero for the Union," Warren added.

The Pentagon's directive will apply to street names as well.

"Every time I ran on Longstreet, I thought it was just a really long street," said a paratrooper from the 44th Medical Brigade, speaking of the former Fort Bragg's Longstreet Road, named for Confederate General James Longstreet. "Little did I know the whole history behind it. I kind of feel dirty now."

Longstreet Road will become "Diversity Blvd."

Soldiers in the Fort Duty area still had some reservations about the name change.

"Every time I say 'Fort Duty', it sounds like I'm saying 'Fort Doodie,'" according to Master Sgt. Deshaun Hewson. "I guess that's still a lot better than saying 'Fort Slavery,' though."