Pentagon tells senior leaders to limit sexual harassment to texts and email

WASHINGTON — In an effort to protect service members from the COVID-19 pandemic, Pentagon officials have directed senior Army leaders to limit their sexual harassment of junior soldiers to texts and emails.

“It’s just good common sense,” said Army spokesperson, Colonel Ricardo Suarez. “These are challenging times and leaders need to be as adaptive as they are lethal.”

Under the new policy, senior leaders are encouraged to sexually harass their subordinates through digital means only to limit exposure to the Novel Corona Virus. Face-to-face conversations with potential victims are authorized, but discouraged and should be conducted from a minimum of six feet away.

“Leaders just need to be creative and think outside the box,” said Suarez. “There are plenty of tools in our rucksacks—dick pics, salacious texts, and excessive ‘liking’ of pictures on social media accounts are just a few excellent ways to show your interest in that newly assigned E-3 or young lieutenant.”

Sources reported an early draft of the policy allowed for uninvited shoulder rubs, so long as gloves and masks were used. But the current policy removed the shoulder rubs when health experts determined they were too risky, even with proper protective equipment.

Critics complain the new policy is too restrictive and renders potential SHARP violators impotent. A group of lieutenant colonels, speaking on condition of anonymity, complained it "pretty much limits us" to appropriate and authorized relationships.