Pentagon to station troops at schools for ultra-realistic combat training

THE PENTAGON — Following the deadly shooting in Texas last week amid a rash of other school shootings this year, the Pentagon has announced it will be stationing active duty troops in U.S. schools to give them ultra-realistic combat training, sources confirmed today.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis explained that exposing junior service-members to the stresses of battle as experienced recently in the nation’s schools will prepare them for what they will eventually face in Afghanistan and Iraq.

“Suburban American schools are the perfect environment to provide realistic live-fire training on a regular basis,” Mattis said, adding that an incompetent and angry teenager "randomly spraying bullets also mirrors the exact types of enemies our troops will be fighting downrange.”

In addition to combat experience, Mattis says the program will provide invaluable on-the-job training for corpsmen and medics to treat gunshot wounds.

“The plan will encompass the full spectrum of military operations," Mattis said. "Our troops will have to hold key leader engagements to mediate tribal relations between various cliques, thwart green-on-blue attacks from armed teachers, and find ever-more-creative places to masturbate in peace, all the while having no real idea why they are there in the first place. I can’t imagine a better way to prepare them for war.”

The Pentagon expects to roll out the plan over the next month, with the Army taking responsibility for the country’s middle class districts and private schools, while the Marine Corps will be deployed to working class and inner city schools “because no one really gives a shit what happens there any way," according to officials.

The Shammer contributed reporting.