THE PENTAGON — Following the deadly shooting in Texas last week amid a rash of other school shootings this year, the Pentagon has announced it will be stationing active duty troops in U.S. schools to give them ultra-realistic combat training, sources confirmed today.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis explained that exposing junior service-members to the stresses of battle as experienced recently in the nation’s schools will prepare them for what they will eventually face in Afghanistan and Iraq.

“Suburban American schools are the perfect environment to provide realistic live-fire training on a regular basis,” Mattis said, adding that an incompetent and angry teenager "randomly spraying bullets also mirrors the exact types of enemies our troops will be fighting downrange.”