ARLINGTON, Va. — As the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan wind down, the Pentagon has found a new adversary: whistleblowers. Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter has reportedly authorized an undeclared but very real "Global War on Whistleblowers" (GWOW), according to anonymous sources. The decision opens up a new front against tattletales who interfere with the Defense Department's time-honored practices of fraud, waste, and abuse.

"These whistleblowers keep coming out with their 'transparency' and their 'integrity.' I don't even know what either of those words mean, and I don't care," said Gen. Lou Sliperstein, head of the Joint Task Force charged with carrying out the mission. "Plus, using drone strikes to solve all of the world's problems has worked flawlessly for us in the past."

This GWOW will involve drone strikes and raids by special operations forces (SOF), and is expected to have a "secondary benefit" of increased defense spending, the sources say. "It will keep the spigot open for other successful programs, too, like the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter and the training of moderate Syrian rebels," a source close to Carter said, asking for anonymity "because we're using drones on guys like me now."