Pentagon Declares Global War On Whistleblowers

ARLINGTON, Va. — As the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan wind down, the Pentagon has found a new adversary: whistleblowers. Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter has reportedly authorized an undeclared but very real "Global War on Whistleblowers" (GWOW), according to anonymous sources. The decision opens up a new front against tattletales who interfere with the Defense Department's time-honored practices of fraud, waste, and abuse.

"These whistleblowers keep coming out with their 'transparency' and their 'integrity.' I don't even know what either of those words mean, and I don't care," said Gen. Lou Sliperstein, head of the Joint Task Force charged with carrying out the mission. "Plus, using drone strikes to solve all of the world's problems has worked flawlessly for us in the past."

This GWOW will involve drone strikes and raids by special operations forces (SOF), and is expected to have a "secondary benefit" of increased defense spending, the sources say. "It will keep the spigot open for other successful programs, too, like the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter and the training of moderate Syrian rebels," a source close to Carter said, asking for anonymity "because we're using drones on guys like me now."

"We won't let snitches stop us from bleeding dollars," Sliperstein said. "Also, the defense contractors need this funding to guarantee jobs for my staff and me after retirement."

The decision to launch the GWOW comes after the case of "Special Forces hero-cum-blabbermouth," Jason Amerine, recently concluded.

"We don't have the time to deal with the legal and moral hullaballoo involved in cases like Amerine's," stated Sliperstein. "Next time a traitor like that comes along, we'll just drop a Hellfire on him," referring to one of the primary missiles used for waxing the nation's enemies.

Critics are now blaming the Pentagon for multiple drone strikes that have damaged the Pentagon's south wall, as well as a special operations raid on a memoir-writing group for former Navy SEALs. Defense has officially denied any role in the latter vicious attack, which also destroyed a hospital for bunny rabbits and orphan children from Sri Lanka.

"Everybody knows that loose lips sink ships," concluded Sliperstein. "So let me be very clear: if you don't shut your yapper, then you are a terrorist."