PETA protests testing of hair products on SEALs

WASHINGTON — Animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has called for a halt to SEAL training after allegations of illegal hair product testing on trainees. PETA claims more than 500 SEAL candidates have faced brutal dyeing, shampooing, and perm treatments this year.

“SEALs are precious animals on this Earth,” PETA CEO Ingrid E. Newkirk said this morning. “We cherish every one of their lives and they deserve our best.”

Communications staff from PETA ended the press conference abruptly after a reporter asked if PETA was talking about cute marine mammals or the Navy’s Special Operations force.

The controversy originated in former SEAL Ken Kensington’s tell-all book, "OPSEC Blah-SEC: Shocking Secrets From the SEAL Community."

“The people deserved to know the truth,” Kensington said. “We’ve been the prettiest operators for years, but at what price?”

Navy officials quietly acknowledged the scandal.

“We should’ve seen it sooner,” Rear Adm. Brian Losey admitted. “Every SEAL has perfect hair coming out of BUD/S. Most Green Berets look like the lovechild of Donald Trump fucking a mountain.”

Losey is the commander of Naval Special Warfare Command.

The hair product companies involved in the scandal issued a joint letter in response.

“The U.S. sent SEALs to Afghanistan, a land-locked country with no water for 15 years and counting, but you want to attack us for trying out some shampoos on them?” the statement said. “You people should see what we do to the beagles.”

“Frankly the community is stunned,” Losey said. “We just can’t believe a SEAL took this long to leak a story.”