Sailor jumps overboard to avoid being punished for hiding on ship for a week

NORFOLK, Va. — The U.S. Navy's 7th Fleet announced that the sailor thought to be lost at sea and found a week later hiding in the engine room of the USS Shiloh has now jumped overboard to avoid punishment for the previous incident.

Petty Officer 3rd Class Peter Mims ran for the edge of the cruiser soon after being transferred to the USS Ronald Reagan for medical care, sources confirmed. The sources further speculated the medical care was “probably because Mims was so sick at not getting caught.”

Soon after Mims went overboard, the Navy began what could be another 3-day-long search and rescue mission involving various ships, Coast Guard cutters, helicopters, submarines, rubber dinghies, and four F-35B fighters, which were brought in by Lockheed to highlight the multirole aircraft’s capabilities beyond its horrible record in air-to-air combat, close air support, and flying.

Although Mims was seen diving from the stern of the ship, Navy personnel were still cautiously searching the engine rooms of both the Shiloh and Ronald Reagan just to be sure. Meanwhile, some sailors in the combat information center were consulting a Where’s Waldo coloring book for possible insight.

Petty Officer 1st Class Rodney Burns, Mims’ supervisor, alleges that the sailor originally went missing the first time after being punished with extra duty.

“All we were going to ask him to do was pull an extra watch rotation periodically,” Burns said, “but he popped smoke before we ever got to tell him. Living in the engine room for a week is far worse.”

When asked why Mims was originally punished, Burns claims it was for “repeatedly being absent for duty.”

Rear Adm. Charles Williams, the commander of Carrier Strike Group 5 and Task Force 70, was elated to write his third press statement about Mims.

"We are thankful to our Navy team and appreciate all the hard work of our sailors and Japanese partners in searching for him, and we will not rest until he’s found, again,” Williams said. “But in all honesty, fuck this guy.”