Pigeon: We should not tear down Confederate statues!
I am a pigeon. As a member of this otherized and belittled minority community, I have watched with particular concern while the current racial discord and societal conflict consumes us. It is making us disagreeable and turning neighbors against each other. It is causing dispute and friction in otherwise harmonious relationships.
And worst of all, it has led to numerous statues of Confederate generals and war veterans being torn down.
This must stop immediately. Statues are an incredibly vital part of the pigeon community. Tearing them down is hateful and wrong, and anyone who advocates them is either ignorant or purposely trying to conduct a bigoted, hurtful campaign against me and the larger pigeon community.
If you are one of these ignorant people, or have stood idly by out of ignorance, or even if you think it’s not a big deal, let me educate you.
Statues give pigeons a comfortable and relatively human-foot-traffic-free space to sit and rest for a bit. No humans are jogging over a statue or stumbling over one while absorbed in their stupid phone.
Statues are also a great place to be safe from predators. Cats and other evil creatures may be able to sneak up on us in trees, but no cat can scale a nice tall statue of Stonewall Jackson. Their wicked claws can’t grip the nice smooth brass or marble.
Some statues are even in shade, which adds the benefit of allowing us a cool place to nap for a spell before setting out once more to find a just-polished BMW X5 to poop on.
Speaking of poop, if your dispute is with the fact that these statues are of guys who had the misfortune to be born in the South in the 1840s and pursue a military career, then you might feel better knowing that we also shit, just, absolutely all over them. Just all over them.
Tearing down these statues will result in thousands of pigeons being forced to rest, sleep, and shit in unsafe places, vulnerable to being kicked by humans or eaten by vile and universally-despised cats.
So that should solve your problem if you have been advocating or allowing the destruction of Confederate statues out of mere ignorance.
If you fall into the other camp, however, and support the statue-removal merely movement out of spite for the pigeon community?
I got something for your car.