Point/Counterpoint: ‘I shot bin Laden in the face’ vs. ‘Welcome to Taco Bell, may I take your order?’
The following is a discussion between Robert J. O’Neill, a former Navy SEAL who claims to have killed Osama bin Laden and Timothy Goldman, a 17-year old fast food worker.
POINT: I’m former Navy SEAL Robert J. O’Neill. I’m sure you’re dying to ask so I’ll just get it out of the way. Yes, I’m that Robert J. O’Neill, the guy who shot Bin Laden in the face. No need to thank me for my service. I actually like to keep a pretty low profile, what with all the press and antiwar libtards cruising around these days. If you want an autograph though it’s cool, just don’t tell anyone on Twitter or post that shit to Instagram. Guy like me really treasures his privacy.
COUNTERPOINT: What’s a "bin Laden?"
POINT: Ok, fine. I really don’t like talking about this but you pried it out of me. There we were. It was a warm night in Pakistan. The details are a little fuzzy because as I said before I don’t really talk about this a lot, but I believe it was May 2, 2011, at approximately 01:03, when we touched down in Abbottabad. The night was blustery, and the moon was—
COUNTERPOINT: Abbotta-what? Sir, I think you need to—
POINT: I can hear the question in your tone, so before you even bring it up, let me say that Bissonnette is a fucking liar! Besides, why do people attack me for going public? The information was going to get out eventually. It’s not my fault America needed a hero and I’m the one who stepped up to the plate!
COUNTERPOINT: Well I just meant that—
POINT: Oh, so you’re one of those people huh? I bet you love “No Easy Day.” I’m good enough for Fox News but not for some snot-nosed Berkley wanna-be judgmental piece of shit? IS THAT IT?
COUNTERPOINT: Sir, all I’m trying to say is that—
POINT: I was a senior chief petty officer and a US Navy SEAL! Greatest fighting force on earth. How dare you question my patriotism. I shot bin Laden in the fucking face! I’m not out here asking for fame or fortune, but some goddamn respect would be nice. You sleep soundly in your bed because of sheepdogs like me. What the hell do you have to say about that huh? Maybe “thank you for your service, Mr. O’Neill” would be a good start.
POINT: Well? You just going to stand there staring at me like an idiot or do you have something to say?
COUNTERPOINT: Sir, this is a Taco Bell. If you don’t order something I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Would you like to try the Double Gordita Crunch value meal for $5.99?
POINT: . . . Do you have a military discount?
COUNTERPOINT: No, sir, we—
After that final point O’Neill ended the discussion by exiting the drive-through, jumping the curb and damaging four cars in the process. He was immediately pulled over by a local police officer, who during his arrest informed him that “shooting bin Laden in the face” did not excuse reckless operation of a motor vehicle. At the time of this publication he is currently awaiting bail.