FORT POLK, La.—Army Pvt.1st Class Sherman Williams shocked the local military community last night when he reportedly said he was nowhere near those awesome events, sources told Duffel Blog.

“No shit, there I wasn’t,” Williams said, stunning a group of fellow junior enlisted personnel while downing his tenth can of Keystone Light. “When that detonation happened. Or that firefight where Jacks got killed. And no shit, there I wasn’t for the epic road trip you all took to New Orleans.”

Williams and the other soldiers had been partying at a picnic table near their barracks. But after Williams spoke, several privates were observed wandering the area, seemingly dazed. Military policemen rounded them up. Others, apparently sobered by Williams’ dramatic revelation, left the party and returned to their rooms to clean them and prepare for voluntary physical training the next day.