Pornhub opens first SIPR website

MONTREAL, Canada — U.S. troops stationed abroad now have 24-hour access to the latest hardcore pornography from back home, thanks to a deal that allows adult website Pornhub to host explicit material on the military's secret classified networks, sources confirmed today.

MindGeek, the Canadian company which owns Pornhub, signed the deal nicknamed "OPSUCK" with the Department of Defense.

Sources say the Pentagon's decision follows years of pent-up frustration by U.S. troops stuck on bases in the Middle East sharing pornography at least a decade old and stained with the fluids of countless heroes.

The unconventional decision just reflects the realities of modern warfare, according to Gen. Scott Miller, who commands all U.S. forces in Afghanistan and has been working closely with Pornhub.

"Back home, our men and women in uniform are just used to a constant hot and horny fuckfest of freedom," Miller told reporters. "We've had to remove countless terabytes of pornography from our classified networks throughout the war, and at some point, you just have to accept that changing their culture just won't work."

The military realized it had a classified pornography problem following the 2010 leaks by former soldier Chelsea Manning. Of the 754 gigabytes of secret material removed by Manning, only 2% were actual secret documents: the rest were copies of "Two girls, one cup" dubbed into Bulgarian.

For its part, Pornhub is happy to help the U.S. military satisfy its giant throbbing need for pornography.

"Veterans make up both our top consumers and employees," said Pornhub's Vice President Corey Price. "We're happy to be with them at every stage of their career: whether they're jerking off in the stalls at boot camp, mold-infested barracks rooms, shit-filled porta-johns in Afghanistan, or their lonely apartments back home after their spouses inevitably leave."

Pornhub has stated that most of its explicit material will initially consist of pornography the U.S. military captures from Al Qaeda and ISIL fighters by the U.S. military and confiscated under the laws of armed cockflict.

The Pornhub deal comes twelve years after pornography's last military-themed foray. Gen. Petraeus teamed up with Ox Ideas in 2005 to make the counterinsurgency-themed "Bang Bus Iraq" in order to help U.S. soldiers understand Iraqi customs and culture through bukkake.