FORWARD OPERATING BASE SALERNO — Today the American people are recovering from the shocking news that President Barack Obama came under enemy fire earlier this week in Afghanistan. While visiting with soldiers and key leaders there, the President came under attack from insurgents, cutting him off from delivering his speech.
"We must finish the job we started in Afghanistan, and end this war responsibly," he said to a crowd of soldiers at FOB Salerno, near the city of Khost.
At that moment the base began taking mortar fire from a group of insurgents firing from some nearby hills.
As Obama's Secret Service detail threw him to the ground for protection, Specialist Hector Peterson ran over and handed him his M9 pistol, saying, "Here you go sir, you'll need this."
Obama then raced through the Entry Control Point with the Quick Reaction Force before anyone could stop him.
Covering the 4 kilometers between FOB Salerno and the insurgents' positions in just fifteen minutes, Obama and his men came under heavy fire from an enemy machine gun team positioned to ambush them.
Obama then rallied the small squad of soldiers and encouraged them to fight by yelling, "Let's give their mothers something to cry about!"
"He just opened up on them until his magazine was empty," said Corporal Cyril Abrams, "then calmly reloaded and kept firing. When I tried to take cover, he grabbed me by the helmet and yelled, 'What? Are you trying to live forever?' and dragged me back in the assault."
Reaching the enemy mortar position, Obama killed two insurgents, then turned to face a third who had dropped his weapon and was raising his hands.
"I don't speak your 'yabba-dabba-doo'," Obama shouted, as he coldly shot him in the face.
At one point, after his pistol jammed, Obama surprised the troops by grabbing an AK-47 off one of the bodies and continued to put rounds downrange.
"Guys, I spent part of my childhood in Indonesia," he said while effortlessly conducting immediate action on the weapon, "It's just like riding a bicycle."
After killing the three Taliban, Obama then posed for a group photo with the soldiers while urinating on the corpses.
"Go ahead," he said with a smile, "try and bust me down."
Obama, recently described as "America's Warrior In Chief", is not the first executive to have engaged in direct combat. His predecessor, George W. Bush, is widely remembered for flying close air support missions during the 2003 invasion of Iraq, and Lyndon Johnson was awarded the Silver Star for carrying out a bombing raid over Hanoi during the Vietnam War.
However, the most famous example is still Ronald Reagan, who led a team of special forces to rescue 52 American hostages in Iran within the first hours of his presidency.
Obama campaign spokesman David Axelrod said the President's reelection team are already planning to release a political ad capitalizing on the trip. The ad, entitled "Bad Ass Motherfucker," says, "Mitt Romney would have hesitated before drilling someone in the eyes. But not President Obama. This November, vote for the man who shoots first and doesn't ask questions later."
Obama has already announced plans to conduct a future listening tour across al Qaeda-dominated northern Pakistan, "so I can listen to your screams, bitches."