WASHINGTON, D.C. - Officials at the Pentagon are shocked that a public service announcement (PSA) warning against using spice and other designer drugs played on the Armed Forces Network has apparently lowered drug use among service members.

“We expected our PSA to have no effect at all,” said Colonel David Rikers. “First, nobody watches AFN. If they do they don’t watch the commercials. Second, we thought our ad was so stupid it would increase drug use. We are overjoyed to find out this is not the case.”

The thirty second spot shows clips from Hamlet dubbed over with new, stupid lines. Hamlet discusses “To spice or not to spice,” while his friend Horatio warns him “Prithee, forsooth, if thou beist under the influence of drugs, thou mayest happen to sign over power of attorney to an untrustworthy party.”