https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdPYSllF39w

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. – Senior defense and intelligence officials confirmed today that groundhog and famous prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil had predicted another 10 years of armed conflict for the United States, setting the stage for rising domestic tensions and embroiled diplomatic relations in the years to come.

“Blood, death and the savage destruction of innocence, ho ho!” the chubby woodchuck cheerily chortled. “Fire, brimstone and another generation of broken youth, oh boy!”

Top-level CIA officers have been conferring with the squirrely seer since 2005, according to sources, two years after it became strikingly clear that the mission in Iraq was, indeed, far from accomplished. Recently declassified documents revealed the CIA’s consultations with the gregarious groundhog have cost the agency nearly $100 million, though what extravagances the portly prophet indulges in remain undetermined.

“Oh, Phil’s just a swell guy, a real dandy fella, boy, I…