Obama Authorizes Drone Strike On Putin

WASHINGTON — President Obama has authorized a targeted drone strike against Russian President Vladimir Putin following his country's controversial troop movements into Ukraine's Crimea, senior administration officials confirmed today.

Putin, 61, was added to the controversial "kill list" on Saturday shortly after speaking with the president in a 90-minute phone call. Following the call, the White House readout indicated that Obama spoke for approximately 30 minutes while Putin laughed continuously for the last 60.

"I mean seriously," senior aides reported Obama as saying. "Fuck that guy."

One source, a senior official on the national security council who requested anonymity so as not to also wind up on the list, told Duffel Blog reporters the U.S. planned to blame terrorists if a strike was successful. The source confirmed that multiple Hellfire missiles would have "From Chechnya with Love" painted on the nose, and they would be stamped with "MADE IN CHECHNYA" on the side.

While a sensitive and top secret authorization, when reached for comment by Duffel Blog, The White House confirmed the details of a possible strike and attempted to explain the rationale.

"I mean, what's with all the hubbub?" Obama asked, in a phone call with Duffel Blog. "First you get pissed we zap Awlaki since he was an American citizen. Now you're getting pissed I want to strike Putin?"

"Uh hello. He's a foreigner. Perfectly legal," he added.

Duffel Blog reporter Jay-B contributed to this report.