FORT LIBERTY (OR WHATEVER THEY’RE CALLING IT NOW) — Chaos erupted at the Post Exchange this morning when the highly anticipated “Weekend Essentials” bundle — containing a can of Zyn nicotine pouches, a Monster energy drink, and a single condom — sold out within less than 10 minutes.

According to eyewitness reports, a mob of junior-enlisted personnel, mostly specialists, formed outside the PX an hour before opening, eagerly awaiting their chance to secure the holy trinity of poor decision-making.

“I was first in line,” said Pfc. Travis Thompson, who camped overnight for the release. “I knew this was going to be big. You don’t just stumble across a deployment loadout like this every day.”

The bundle, dubbed the “Mafia Care Package,” was initially a joke suggestion from a Class Six clerk who noticed that these three items were purchased together more often than bottom-shelf military special liquor.