AUGUSTA, Ga. — Although her parents, coworkers, and supervisors were all hopeful given the name of her birth, alleged NSA leaker and Air Force veteran Reality Winner is more accurately described as a delusional loser, sources confirmed today.
Despite the fact that millions of Americans sympathize with those who leak classified information in the name of transparency and accountability, defense officials formally thanked Winner on Friday for "doing every possible idiotic thing to turn public will against her to a degree that seems intentionally self-destructive."
According to officials, In order to make sure she was caught before she even started, Winner contacted The Intercept, the news media outlet that released her leaked documents, from her NSA work computer prior to stealing the documents.
To guarantee that nobody failed to notice her mistake, The Intercept scanned the physical document she provided them and revealed its source location, showing investigators that what the media had was obviously a physical printout from Augusta, Georgia, leading investigators directly to Winner.
Insiders claim that Winner was not content with the chance that she might seize victory from the jaws of defeat, and that she refused to be outdone. Witnessing the impressive foibles of The Intercept, Winner allegedly asked sources to hold her beer before laying out her plans to blatantly manipulate the media using the angle that she’s “pretty, white, and cute” during obviously recorded jailhouse phone calls.
Prison guard sources would only confirm that Winner was white.
Then, clearly living in an alternate plane of existence in which she didn’t expect people to leak what she said despite being a leaker herself, the ironically-named Winner also told her mother that she would “go nuclear to the press” if she didn’t get what she wants.
To her credit, Winner’s plan to fail was thorough. Before she was arrested, the FBI alleges that Winner even hand wrote notes about “burning down the White House, fleeing to Afghanistan and joining the Taliban.”
Analysts now believe that Winner has little hope of succeeding in trial or in life, but the American justice system has yet to weigh in with its own legendary lack of capability.