Report: 100% of first sergeants think you're a piece of garbage

QUANTICO, Va. — According to an extensive, Marine Corps-wide survey, 100 percent of first sergeants think you’re a piece of garbage, sources confirmed today.

“The results were really pretty conclusive,” said lead researcher 1st Sgt. Frank Lamb. “We polled every single first sergeant in the entire United States Marine Corps, and all of us thought you were…