QUANTICO, Va. — According to an extensive, Marine Corps-wide survey, 100 percent of first sergeants think you’re a piece of garbage, sources confirmed today.
“The results were really pretty conclusive,” said lead researcher 1st Sgt. Frank Lamb. “We polled every single first sergeant in the entire United States Marine Corps, and all of us thought you were just a total pile of shit.”
Interestingly, the study found that context had little effect on the participants' opinions. Regardless of whether or not you were vaping on the bench in front of his car, discussing your intentions for a new sleeve tattoo, or placing a magazine’s worth of ammunition in the amnesty box near his office, every first sergeant thought you were, without a doubt, completely worthless.
“It’s pretty fucking clear,” said 1st Sgt. Mike Grimaldi. "You have been skating your way through the Corps since you left the Depot. I know you think you’re slick shit since you got back from the MEU, but I’m pretty dang sure you spent the whole float just jerking off and eating candy corn. Thank you for your service.”
Researchers emphasized that while you may be convinced you are getting away with whatever shit you’re trying to pull, you’re definitely not and will absolutely get passed up for promotion.
“I haven’t seen a turd as big as you since I stepped into that porta-shitter on Leatherneck,” said 1st Sgt. Harold “Wu” Tang. “How about you make sure you’re PME complete next time you walk into my office.”
The study concluded by noting that you “need to resubmit your leave request fucking yesterday, good to go?”