QUANTICO, Va. — According to an extensive, Marine Corps-wide survey, 100 percent of first sergeants think you’re a piece of garbage, sources confirmed today.

“The results were really pretty conclusive,” said lead researcher 1st Sgt. Frank Lamb. “We polled every single first sergeant in the entire United States Marine Corps, and all of us thought you were just a total pile of shit.”

Interestingly, the study found that context had little effect on the participants' opinions. Regardless of whether or not you were vaping on the bench in front of his car, discussing your intentions for a new sleeve tattoo, or placing a magazine’s worth of ammunition in the amnesty box near his office, every first sergeant thought you were, without a doubt, completely worthless.