Report: Coast Guard will save thousands of people this year, but not your worthless ass

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Coast Guard says it will respond to more than 3,000 incidents this year, likely resulting in more than 200 lives saved, at least 3,800 lives assisted, and approximately $5,365,000 in property saved, according to recent estimates.

But that doesn’t mean that your unimportant and worthless life will be saved, officials added.

“The Coast Guard is prepared to execute all aspects of search and rescue,” said Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen in a press conference this afternoon, just before looking at the camera and making eye contact with you. “Except you, you sorry sack of shit. You haven’t even found a job in 16 months, unless getting fat on Domino’s Pizza and wasting your life away on Far Cry 5 is a source of employment.”

That's not to say the Coast Guard doesn't have the ability to save you, explained Capt. Bob Rubio, a Coast Guard spokesman.

"The Coast Guard started with a fleet of ten cutters established by Alexander Hamilton more than 200 years ago has evolved into the world’s premiere multi-mission, maritime and military service,” he said. Then without missing a beat, looked directly into your soul and added, “But in the past week you’ve evolved into a fat, stupid, insignificant speck in the universe that contributes to nothing but the eventual degradation of our species. The Coast Guard wouldn’t save you even if you were drowning in front of one of our boats while clinging to a bail of cocaine.”

“As America’s lifesavers and guardians of the seas, Coast Guard men and women commit themselves every day to serving our nation and but it’s people like you, yes you, that make us realize there are people that just need to disappear forever,” said Adm. Gary Cohen. “Maybe you should just stop feeling sorry for yourself, eat a fucking vegetable, and make an effort and then, maybe then, we’ll deem your life worth saving. But until then, we’ve got actual contributing members to society to save.”

The number of lives saved was calculated by the Coast Guard statistics office through research of logs and records from the service, but have yet to calculate how much of a pathetic loser you are.