LAKE MICHIGAN – At 9:30PM, local mariner Billy Shaver was transiting Lake Michigan to watch the 4th of July fireworks when he realized his boat was sinking rapidly. Without any method of communication to contact the Coast Guard except a red distress flare, Shaver at last came to terms with the fact that this is the day he will die.

“I understand the irony of this situation and I regret the decision to not bring a VHF radio,” said Shaver, adding that it was pointless to shoot the flare at this point and time, as he is surrounded by fireworks off the Navy Pier in Chicago.

“I’m going to try screaming for help but the celebration is so loud right now that I doubt anyone will hear me. I think at this point I think I’m fucked unless some heroic person who believes every firework is a mariner in distress calls the United States Coast Guard and tells them they see…oh I don’t know…20 to 30 red, blue, purple, pink, and white flares with pretty sparkles.”

At press time, Shaver was able to cling to …