YOUR LOCATION — Capt. Alan Michaels, the Battalion Chaplain, is on a direct course for your immediate gaggle of soldiers, leaving a trail of dead conversations and awkward silence in his wake, sources confirmed today.

Michaels is perhaps best known for his long, pointless stories from boot camp, usually told in an effort to remind the privates and specialists that he’s just another soldier like you.

Experts predict that Chaplain Michaels will arrive momentarily, likely uttering the phrase “carry on, just pretend I’m not here.” From there, Michaels is expected to smile broadly, as uneasy looks are exchanged between privates who were just moments before discussing their favorite disgusting sexual maneuvers.