RIO DE JANEIRO – U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte departed the 2016 Summer Olympics under accurate and sustained sniper fire, U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte reported, adding with quiet admiration that the platinum-haired athlete displayed “remarkable calm and poise” during the attack.

“I knew it would practically be a combat zone, because people in Rio are actually pretty pissed at me right now,” the aquatic heartthrob explained. “But there was this 8 year-old girl, who apparently is, like, my biggest fan, and I was like, ‘I can’t, I can’t rush by her, I’ve got to at least greet her and still be super suave and cool,’ so I greeted her.”

Lochte was boarding a plane at Galeão International Airport when an unknown marksman opened fire. The rounds harmlessly ricocheted off of the 12-time Olympic medalist’s bulletproof narrative, instead striking the craft’s fuselage and all witnesses.