WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources confirm that the solution to the chemical weapons crisis in Syria came as a result of an all-night bender attended by Secretary of State John Kerry and Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel.

According to sources, Hagel texted Kerry stating that he felt overworked and needed a “wingman to blow off steam and bitch about my boss." Fellow veteran Kerry agreed, stating that he had some “righteous weed and a few pills left over from Theresa’s accident."

“Yeah those two bums were down here,” said Mike O’Leary, bartender at The Velvet Lounge, a D.C. dive bar. “They came in looking like they had been at it for a bit. Reeked of reefer and whiskey. But they were paying with cash and kept downing the beers on a Sunday night, so what do I care?”