By Whiskey Fueled Tirade

FT. BELVOIR, Va. — As COVID numbers decline and the Department of Defense begins reopening non-essential services on bases, Army retiree Mike Flynn is just happy to be back in the post-gym, standing around for hours in the locker room wearing nothing but a smile.

“It really feels like things are getting back to normal,” Flynn, a retired Army lieutenant general, told reporters while toweling off his balls and aggressively maintaining eye contact. “I spent the whole pandemic working out on the elliptical at home, so it’s great to get back to the gym where I can work out on the elliptical.”

During the interview, Flynn made several towel-less laps around the locker room, sat completely naked on every bench, and regaled other gym-goers with unsolicited, and often inappropriate, stories from his time in the Army.

“The image of his pendulous, old balls is burned into my brain,” one witness, Senior Airman Bryce Holloway said as he closed his eyes and shuddered. “The more …