REVEALED: Army historians find 'Message To Garcia' hero actually a bumbling moron

CARLISLE, Pa. — In an announcement that has every drill instructor and sanctimonious veteran in history absolutely apoplectic with shock, Army archivists have revealed that Lt. Andrew Rowan, the soldier who famously carried a critical message to rebel Gen.Calixto Garcia in the jungles of Cuba during the Spanish American War, was in fact a “lazy, shiftle…