Rogue Sailor Leads Army of Retribution Through Yemen

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Days after violent riots swept Yemen and brought death and destruction on a scale that would dwarf the Syrian uprising, grainy YouTube videos and frantic phone calls have caught the watchful eye of Pentagon officials.

Initially dismissed as the ravings of khat-addled villagers, stories emerged of demonic, larger-than-life warriors laying waste to huge swathes of the countryside in a never ending thirst for blood.

The sudden spike in horrific reports from the Arabian Peninsula prompted the US Department of Defense to call a press conference. They announced that during protests at the U.S. embassy, Navy Cryptologic Technician (Interpretive) 3rd class Melvin Goldstein, who was dispatched to Yemen for liaison duties with the State Department, had gone missing.

A washout from the Nuclear Power Training Command, Goldstein’s job included translating for State Department leadership and promoting military partnerships between both nations’ diplomatic communities. It was confirmed that he went missing immediately after the demonstrations ceased.

However, intelligence sources doubted the subsequent claims of his capture by local militias.

No proof-of-life was provided, and there was no evidence of a struggle at the site of the event. This was confirmed today when Pentagon and CIA reported that an Arabic-speaking United States sailor was leading an “Army of Retribution” through the country, burning and pillaging dozens of towns in a punitive expedition. Riding captured horses, Goldstein and his force of several thousand warriors, recruited from the southern, anti-government tribes of the desert nations, dragged captured "freedom" fighters dozens of miles before executing them in full view of the villagers clustered on the walls of an enemy town.

In tactics reminiscent of Genghis Khan, those locations that resist are cleansed of their populations, while those that pay homage to Goldstein and the United States are spared, adding to the glory of his empire. Although the U.S. Navy condemns the Petty Officer's senseless slaughter of villagers who are believed to be supporting the government, they did announce that violent attacks against State Department officials in the region have dropped by 100%.

Wielding a battle-axe stained with dried blood from hundreds of victims, Goldstein has only been photographed from afar; the pictures found on cameras retrieved from mutilated bodies recovered in the blackened remains of yet another town that had the temerity to resist the man commonly referred to by the locals as the “Scourge of God.”

Dozens of cities have fallen, with the only reminder of their existence being a large American flag planted atop pyramids of corpses and debris.

The U.S. Navy has issued formal recall orders for Goldstein but the complete destruction of what little infrastructure remained in Yemen, combined with a 75% decrease in the local population, has made it difficult to contact the warlord.

Sources now report that Goldstein’s reign of terror has culminated in a siege of Sa’ana, with the rebel leader demanding the heads of those responsible for the uprisings in the desert nation. A Marine Fleet Anti-Terrorism Security Team (FAST) deployed to the region in the wake of the attacks has remained on site to protect U.S. interests against further violence.

When the commander of the team was asked if there were any plans in the works to stop the bloodshed being wrought against the people of Yemen by Goldstein and his horde, the officer replied, “Not at this time.”