Report: Rolled sleeves authorized by every commander except yours

THE PENTAGON — Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark “The Soldier's General” Milley has authorized the wear of rolled sleeves with the camo facing out.

The uniform change comes after the Apocalypse failed to occur during a ten-day trial period at Fort Hood. It applies to every soldier, across every post, and at any time of year — with the caveat that it is subject to unit Commander's approval.

Which you will not be getting, according to unit sources.

“It's bad enough that we've got PV2s in multicam and lieutenants in ACU,” your commander slurred to a profoundly confused first sergeant. “Rolled up sleeves can only lead to crossed arms and visible tattoos. Not fucking happening.”

He learned of the change at approximately 3:25am last night while he was searching for images of his ex-wife's new boyfriend on Facebook. He immediately lunged for his phone to alert his still-sleeping NCOs, nearly spilling the half-empty bottle of schnapps by the keyboard.

A majority of sergeants major who took part in the Fort Hood trial also opposed the rolled sleeves. A separate study is expected some time next year to examine whether the same majority of E-9s hate change, fun, happiness or some combination thereof.

And while the spirit of Gen. Milley and Sgt. Maj. Daley's edict prioritized the comfort of soldiers in the coming summer months, your unit will continue to adhere to the old standards. So please arrive to first formation with a squared away uniform and a good attitude.

A source inside the E-9 cabal has indicated that this is not as big a disappointment as it might have been.

“These commanders’ decisions will only stand until 2018,” the source said. “Rolled sleeves will then be banned once again, because no one can understand ‘camo out.’”

At press time, your commander was at the gym, super annoyed that all the free weights were taken by soldiers from other units doing curls.