Moscow: If Ukraine kills 1 more Russian general, next will be free
Better than a free foot long!
By W.E. Linde
MOSCOW — In a surprise announcement today, Russia confirmed that the Ukrainian military had taken out a significant number of its generals in battle and promised that if Ukraine kills one more, the next high-ranking officer will be eliminated “entirely free.”
The announcement was made by Adm. Igor Olegovich Kostyukov, head of the Russian General Staff's Main Intelligence Department (GRU). In a sternly-worded statement aimed primarily at Russian forces that have largely stalled in their invasion of Ukraine, Kostyukov said that what they needed in the face of fierce resistance was a little “aggressive encouragement.”
“To that end,” said Kostyukov, “we promise that if Ukraine successfully kills 12 generals, we’ll give them one more, on the house.”
News of the so-called “Frequent General Kill Klub” sparked a flurry of activity within Russian-held areas of Ukraine, but perhaps not the kind that Moscow had hoped for. A sudden surge of battlefield promotions has been reported, in s…
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Duffel Blog to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.