By Rock or Something

MOSCOW — Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoygu confirmed today that nearly 1,000 Russian Army 2nd lieutenants deserted their units immediately following Ukraine’s Operation “Fuck Your Azimuth.” 

The Ukrainian Interior Minister, Denys Monastyrskiy, called on rural towns to remove or change road signs in order to confuse the invaders. As Russian troops struggled with communications equipment, Ukrainians severely limited the enemy’s ability to find major targets by either removing signs or providing specific directions to hell.

The tactics proved too much for the second lieutenants, who ordered tanks to pull over and let them out. Verified sources reported that none of the enlisted troops tried to stop them before continuing their mission, only to be later thwarted by no fuel resupply. 

“At least we don’t have our idiot officers quoting Kolobonov or Clausewitz to us while we try to carjack innocent civilians for petrol,” said Sgt. Olev Wagnerovski.

Anonymous sources within the Kremlin are calling the loss of road signs the most devastating psychological assault on its junior military officers since base gyms were forced to display shirtless Putin photos in locker rooms. 

Shoygu vowed that every traitorous boot would be punished with a fate worse than death. 

“This is treachery. How hard is it to go east for the love of Orthodox Christ?” said Shoygu. “Those little shitskys will pay dearly for this just as soon as we can find them.”

Duffel Blog and Reuters reporters crossed paths with a gaggle of lost lieutenants trying to outrun two angry Ukrainian grandmothers near the town of Romny. The babushkas were throwing rotten cabbage at the terrified soldiers while the sole lieutenant with a working compass attempted to surrender to a sound tech from CNN. 

“This was just supposed to be a remedial land nav exercise,” 2nd Lt. Schmuckatellarov stated. “Screw this! That crappy veteran’s discount at the Titanium Gulag Buffet ain’t worth it.”

Monastyrskiy briefly celebrated the news of the mass dereliction of duty via Zoom. 

“We struck the Russians with the deadliest weapon new officers could possibly face…navigation,” he said before pouring a gallon of bullets into his briefcase and heading out into the street to join the fight. 

Rock or Something: One time at 29 Palms, a radioactive gopher tortoise bit me, but instead of gaining cool superpowers, I turned into a GS. Send along cash, praise, or MRE recipes.