SAFETY FIRST: We Let Extremists Torch Three US Flags To See Which Brand Was Most Flame Resistant

Flag Day has been a day to honor the Flag of the United States ever since the Second Continental Congress officially adopted our beloved Stars and Stripes on June 14, 1777.

And there’s really no better way to pay respect to Old Glory than to make sure your cherished flag is flame resistant, so as to guarantee a long and patriotic life for your national ensign.

That’s why, on this Flag Day, we invited an eclectic group of anarchists, anti-capitalists, and Muslim extremists to set fire to three separate U.S. Flags, so as to find out which brand is most flame resistant.

Here’s some of what we learned:

TEST 1: Our 5’ x 8’ nylon flag from United States Flag Store took a while to catch fire, but it burned at a steady lip once lit. Additionally, it turns out the fumes from burning nylon smell a little like celery. This was encouraging to the trio of U.C. Berkeley students we hired, as the self-proclaimed anti-corporatists quickly turned to tweeting on their iPhones that the flag they just desecrated was “green” and “eco-friendly.”

TEST 2: Woah! Polyester burns fast. From the moment those peeps from the Muslim Brotherhood lit up our 3’ x 5’ offering from CVS Flags, they barely had a chance to get out a single “Allahu Akbar!” before the poor flag was nothing but a pile of smelly, gooey chemical beads on the street. Needless to say, the extremists were not happy about that. But, luckily, the toxic fumes from the melting polyester rendered our would-be jihadis unconscious before they could follow through with their threats to behead us.

TEST 3: Though we would have liked to report on the burn rate for the 100 percent cotton American flag we purchased from Annin Flagmakers, we unfortunately had to halt our test prematurely when the group of anarchists wearing Guy Fawkes masks we hired attempted to extinguish the flag with their own urine. (They had let the flag touch the ground before relieving themselves on it, and we simply couldn’t tolerate such disrespect.)

So, which of the three tested flag fabrics ended up being the most flame resistant?

Well, it turns out that’s a trick question, because the flag that impressed us the most was actually a wool-based U.S. flag manufactured by little-known mom and pop shop Jinteng Flag Company.

When compared to the other flags we tested, the unmatched flame-resistance of the wool from the Jinteng flag — coupled with the quality of craftsmanship — gets our highest rating, and we really couldn’t expect any less from the innovative and industrious nature of our friends in Zhejiang, China.

FUN FACT: Today also commemorates 240 years since the United States Army was established, so we also bought a sweet Army Airborne flag made by Jinteng to celebrate. (Like the flag from our second test, though, this one was also made from polyester, so we’ll just let you guess the outcome after we held it up over 240 lit birthday candles.)

Happy Flag Day, America, and stay safe!

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