GUAM – Sources confirm that Quartermaster First Class Joshua Griffin is only at the popular Guam strip club, Vikings, to look out for the well-being of his liberty buddy, Gunner's Mate Second Class Scott Nichols.

“I really hate places like this,” said the upright young man, failing to make eye contact with reporters. “I try to be a good shipmate, though, you know? I try not to judge."

Griffin, 25, is renowned aboard the carrier USS Ronald Reagan as a sterling sailor both in and out of port. Said a previous liberty buddy after a port call in Singapore, “That dude will go fucking anywhere.”