SUBIC BAY, Philippines – Petty Officer 3rd Class Jimmy Ortiz, a Boatswain’s mate assigned to the skeleton crew at Subic Bay, has experienced a political awakening regarding the U.S. government's overly generous immigration laws since the news that the girl he’s been ‘just chilling with’ is carrying his child, sources confirmed today.
“I’ve never thought about chain migration before,” Ortiz said. “But fuck if I’m even going to meet her mom, let alone give her my citizenship.”
Local barracks lawyer Petty Officer 2nd Class Brandon Campbell has advised Ortiz that the unborn child already was eligible for U.S. citizenship, that he wasn’t ‘giving away’ his citizenship but creating new citizenship eligibility, and that he spends five our of seven nights a week with Theresa and she’s definitely his girlfriend.
While Ortiz is increasingly receptive to Campbell, he’s also gained counsel from his father.
“We had to earn our citizenship the hard way,” said Jorge Oritiz. “We overstayed our student visas during the 1980s until we got protected status from the dire economic depression in Mexico. I didn’t want to earn that master’s degree in physics, but I did it for little Jimmy. Fuck, no one wants a masters’ degree in physics.”
Theresa Mendoza, the mother of Ortiz’s child, has expressed surprise that he has developed political opinions, since he’s previously only been passionate about video games, having his dinner cooked for him, and fucking.
However, after he accused her of hooking up with him just to get to the U.S., she commented that she’s been eligible for an H1-B visa for due to the highly-skilled work she’d been doing for AOL, a U.S. corporation, her entire adult life.
Pressed for further comment, Mendoza admitted that hooking up with ripped, hot, dumb Ortiz was the stupidest thing she’d ever done. Though Ortiz is deeply worried about his impending “anchor baby,” Mendoza plans to stay in the Philippines to help care for her ailing grandfather.
“I spent months in the jungles in close combat to prep for U.S. Forces in the Leyte invasion," said Mendoza’s 94-year old grandfather, who surprisingly sided with Ortiz.
“Then I got captured and spent years in a Japanese slave labor camp getting tortured for information, all so the United States could use my homeland as a refueling stop. If I didn’t get citizenship for that, I don’t think Theresa should get it for slutting it out.”