SINGAPORE – A Sailor masturbating alone in a Singapore hotel room has reported that he’s barely keeping up with the sounds of a couple “porking up a storm” in the suite next door.

Information Systems Technician 2nd Class Craig Kublicki, a 38-year-old anime enthusiast who has never been married and is currently on overnight liberty from the destroyer USS Lassen, said he’s doing all he can to match the unidentified couple “nut for nut”.

“This has been epic. They’ve been pounding it out with pretty much zero breaks for the last three hours,” said Kublicki, who was invited by a pair of fellow Lassen Sailors to share the cost of room 915 at the Regent Singapore (and who was also abandoned after check-in) only because the ship has a three-man liberty policy.

“I mean, I’ve listened-in on people boning in the next room over plenty of times, and it’s usually pretty standard fare,” he added. “But whoever’s beating guts in there is fucking like their lives depended on it.”