SINGAPORE – A Sailor masturbating alone in a Singapore hotel room has reported that he’s barely keeping up with the sounds of a couple “porking up a storm” in the suite next door.
Information Systems Technician 2nd Class Craig Kublicki, a 38-year-old anime enthusiast who has never been married and is currently on overnight liberty from the destroyer USS Lassen, said he’s doing all he can to match the unidentified couple “nut for nut”.
“This has been epic. They’ve been pounding it out with pretty much zero breaks for the last three hours,” said Kublicki, who was invited by a pair of fellow Lassen Sailors to share the cost of room 915 at the Regent Singapore (and who was also abandoned after check-in) only because the ship has a three-man liberty policy.
“I mean, I’ve listened-in on people boning in the next room over plenty of times, and it’s usually pretty standard fare,” he added. “But whoever’s beating guts in there is fucking like their lives depended on it.”
Kublicki, who sports a slovenly and obese appearance that he blames on uncontrollable addictions to the online video game Guild Wars 2 and bacon, told reporters that both he and the unidentified fornicators next door were diligently working to achieve their ninth collective orgasm of the evening.
“Rubbing this many out hasn’t been easy,” said a sweating, visibly fatigued Kublicki, as he held a glass up to the shared wall with one hand and continued to caress his chafed, nearly limp phallus with the other.
“But, believe me, it’s only on rare occasions that you find a pair of unknowing partners on the other side of a common wall, door, or open barracks window who have the stamina to go this long,” he added. “So it’s totally worth the effort.”
Kublicki, who was keeping himself aroused in part by visualizing the male next door as himself and the female as G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra actress Sienna Miller “in full-on Baroness uniform”, said the only other time he has managed to achieve nine orgasms during any such session of auditory voyeurism was in boot camp ten years earlier.
It was then that Kublicki claimed he hid out undetected in a secured bathroom space while listening to his senior recruit drill commander and an eager female enlistee engage in a marathon session of "animalistic, carnal discovery".
“It was way easier to keep the pace that night compared to what’s happening now,” Kublicki explained, “because they got to crack-off those nine big ones more or less evenly over the course of seven hours instead of just three.”
“And Chief Cesar even took care to make sure that he and that chick stopped every fifteen minutes to properly hydrate," he added.
In addition to trying to maintain his stamina, Kublicki said the evening presented other obstacles.
“Right when we were working on jizz number six, the cleaning lady started banging on the door because I forgot to hang up the ‘do not disturb’ sign,” he said. “For a split second there, I actually thought about letting her walk in on me going to town on my junk, and recording her reaction on my iPhone so I could post it online.”
“I didn’t, though, because I’m not some kind of pervert," he added.
At press time, Kublicki reported that he and the couple next door had successfully achieved their ninth orgasm. However, he said that all efforts toward a record tenth orgasm had to be suspended when his liberty buddies returned to the room with a pair of female companions and ordered Kublicki to go sit in the lobby downstairs.