Sailor At Command Holiday Party Grimly Realizes He Never Left High School

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Seeing clearly for the first time in nearly six years, sources confirmed on Sunday that Intelligence Specialist 2nd Class Doug Peters sullenly acknowledged the high-school-like petty social constructs presiding over his day-to-day existence in the United States Navy.

Staring blankly at his now-unappetizing hors d’oeuvres, Peters griml…