Sailor Who Can't Wiz Accurately Into Toilet Still Manning The .50-Cal

USS CURTIS WILBUR — Sailors aboard USS Curtis Wilbur (DDG-54) are reacting in shock after learning that a crewmember has recently qualified to stand watch on one of the vessel’s four .50-caliber machine guns, despite evidence that the young man can’t properly aim his own stream of urine into the ship’s male toilets without “piss-plastering the whole goddamned stall.”

Gunner’s Mate 3rd Class Tanner Witsky, a 22-year-old weapons department sailor who reportedly admits to his urinary aiming deficiency (as well as to getting cases of “the butt liquid” whenever around loaded firearms and/or women) is now reportedly responsible for protecting the $1.84-billion Arleigh Burke Class destroyer and its crew of nearly 300 by engaging any shallow water threats Curtis Wilbur might face while moored at potentially dangerous foreign ports.

“It’s beyond comprehension that spaz is expected to keep us from getting blown to shit each time we’re tied-up pierside in any one of these shady-ass countries,” said Boatswain’s Mate 2nd Class Rick Hinojosa, one of many Curtis Wilbur sailors who voiced their dismay at the thought of Witsky standing gun watches. “If that dude jumped off a diving board, he’d probably find a way to miss the pool.”

Hinojosa added that, along with losing all of the ship’s footballs, volleyballs and Frisbees by errantly throwing them into the ocean during the ship's last "steal beach" picnic, Witsky has become so notorious for befouling the ship’s male restroom facilities with his inaccurate urine flow that the crew has coined a phrase for having to enter the same stall after him.

“We call it ‘using Witsky’s mom’,” said Hinojosa, “because you know the whole thing’s gonna be soaking wet before you even get your dong out.”

For all the complaints coming from Witsky’s peers, however, members of his immediate chain of command said they fully back Witsky manning the .50-Cal.

“I’ve reviewed GM3 Witsky’s PQS (Personnel Qualification Standard), and it looks like he has all the required signatures, so he’s qualified to stand gun watch.” said Chief Gunner’s Mate Bill Fiske, one of Witsky’s superiors.

When questioned as to whether Curtis Wilbur sailors are tested adequately enough on their aiming and firing ability — as well as on their overall preparedness and competency to act as the ship’s primary line of defense against a small craft attack — Fiske again held up the PQS and said, “Witsky has all his required signatures, so he’s qualified to stand gun watch.”

“I have full faith in this ship’s security team and in their ability to fend off any threats,” said Cdr. Rick Sandifur, Curtis Wilbur’s commanding officer. “Trust me, when it comes to keeping Curtis Wilbur safe, you’ll be hard pressed to find a better qualified and capable group of sailors anywhere else in the fleet.”

“Now, I’m sorry to cut this short,” Sandifur continued, “but I have to go use Witsky’s mom.”