SEATTLE, WA – Local veteran Jonathan Henry has reported that the traumatic psychological scars he has carried since his numerous wartime deployments were miraculously healed today, thanks to Denny's annual "Free Veteran's Day Pancake Breakfast."
"Today I was actually thinking about killing myself. Got the gun and everything," Henry told reporters. "But when all these people started thanking me for my service and then walking away without any further conversation, I knew I had something to live for."
Earlier this morning, Henry's eyes happened to glance across a week old newspaper which had fatefully fallen open to the brightly colored coupon section. This section was alight with red, white, and blue — local businesses displaying their love for flag and country amongst their pleas to do business with every America-loving consumer in Seattle. There, in the center of the page, Denny's reached out a soothing hand.
"One minute I was picturing my buddy Smith laying on the side of MSR Tampa, and the next I was awash with the possibility of free pancakes. It was kind of spiritual," said Henry.
