SEAL Team 6 to ditch body armor to prove they’re not ‘p--sies’
In a statement to Duffel Blog, Naval Special Warfare spokesman Lt. Matt Stroup said the Dam Neck, Va.-based unit notified superiors this week that it would no longer require body armor to stop enemy gunfire since kevlar is merely a placebo. SEAL Team 6 leaders also said they would stop wearing government-issued gas masks since all operators know more about biological warfare than most of you, are trained, and frankly, understand that these dumb ass masks do nothing. Nothing.
The move to forgo protective equipment by the elite unit was inspired by recent tweets from one of its former members, Rob O’Neill, the man widely credited with firing the fatal shots into Osama bin Laden’s forehead in 2011 and then constantly bragging about it over the next decade.
On Tuesday, O'Neill posted a photo of himself to Twitter aboard a Delta Air Lines flight without a protective face mask with the caption that he was “not a pussy,” despite the fact that the world is still enduring a pandemic in which more than 175,000 Americans have died. O'Neill was later banned from flying with Delta Air Lines, just under two years since he completed his FAA-mandated 18-week training course on How To Be A Courteous Airline Passenger.
Still, what started as a tweet from a barefaced O’Neil has spurred competition in the SEAL community over ways to prove their manliness.
“I always thought going on night raids in foreign terrorist strongholds was enough to prove I am a man, but after I saw Rob letting that chin swing free on a flight, virus and fellow passenger safety be damned, I realized I have so much more to prove,” said a current SEAL Team 6 operator who spoke on condition of anonymity during a signing for his latest book.
The operator said he was also looking into removing all the safety selectors from his rifles, which he called a “novelty.”
“I am also trying to figure out a way to make a pin free grenade, but so far that’s been a challenge,” the operator said.
“Christ, we can’t even get these guys to wear seatbelts or sunscreen,” a senior Navy official said on condition of anonymity. “What is so manly about skin cancer? I thought the mask thing was at least settled by, you know, science. We had to do like 15-slide presentations after our Coffee Shop Karen incident.”
Those close to O’Neil claim his mask-free photo was just a joke, although many wonder if he refused to wear a mask in order to draw attention away from his freakishly non-existent eyebrows.