SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind's skull with his bare hands

“KSM’s lawyers can try to appeal, of course, but it remains to be seen whether that is successful."

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin has crushed the skull of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed with his bare hands, about a week after he canceled a controversial plea agreement that offered the terrorist a sentence of life in prison without parole, sources confirmed today.

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According to senior defense officials, the 70-year-old Pentagon chief was recently spotted walking around the Guantanamo Bay prison complex covered in blood and brain fragments, muttering phrases such as  “sweet vengeance,” “never again,” and “today is a good day for murder.”

Eyewitnesses at Guantanamo told reporters that after Austin’s plane touched down, the secretary walked calmly into Camp 7, the most secretive area of the base, flashed his identification card, and was waved into the facility. He emerged soon after with a pile of brain goo and human entrails behind him and high-fived a guard before heading back to the Pentagon.

According to Pentagon spokesman Gen. Patrick Ryder, Secretary Austin mentioned after leaving Guantanamo that he was considering travel to Lebanon so he could personally crush Hezbollah skulls and prevent a wider Middle East war.

“As you all are aware, Secretary Austin revoked the plea deal for KSM and two others recently, and since then, he has held several meetings with senior staff, lawyers, and military service members to review his options for the next steps,” said Ryder. “It’s clear that the Secretary has made his decision on a sentence, and it appears to be final.”

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