SECNAV: The best way to halt COVID-19 is a 355 ship navy

WASHINGTON — Acting Secretary of the Navy Thomas B. Modly cited the importance of a 355-ship navy in the fight against the novel coronavirus at a think tank roundtable today in Washington.

“Is Congress giving out $8 billion to combat the spread of Coronavirus?” a beleaguered Modly asked the audience. “Then shit yes. We are going to halt the spread of coronavirus. But obviously, that’s not something we can do at 275 ships.”

Modly’s Public Affairs officer, Capt. James Schofield, later put out a statement that said, “A 355-ship navy would have the capability to deliver test kits to limited coastal areas, get pretty close but not dangerously close to quarantine cruise ships that need supplies, and deter enemy aggression during this vulnerable time.”

Modly went on to say that with $8 Billion he could buy 16 Littoral Combat Ships with “enough leftover to cover the whole thing in hand sanitizer and N95 masks if that would provide enough tin foil for the Congressional racoons to grab at.”

He then mumbled that if Congress had $8 billion to throw at anything that coughed, he would be very happy to stand on the deck of the USS Harry S. Truman and clear his throat.

When asked for comment, the Secretary of the Air Force responded that the best defense against Coronavirus was an additional 26 F-35Bs and 176 new KC-46s. The Secretary of the Army added that at this “trying time when service members and their families are exposed to this pandemic, the best defense is increased Combat Training Center Rotations” to “build increased readiness and lethality at company-level proficiency.”

Reporters were unable to decipher a comment the Chief of the National Guard Bureau through his canister-less Vietnam-era gas mask as he was scrubbing down a hospital quarantine area with Simple Green and an old toothbrush he brought from home.