FORT HOOD — A soldier soon to be leaving the Army after his return from Afghanistan is desperate to remain inside the warm safety and security of the Army's vagina, sources confirmed Monday.

Specialist Andrew Rigbe, an active-duty soldier and intelligence analyst for six years known for his off-the-wall PowerPoint presentations, expressed abject terror and anxiety at his pending separation from the U.S. Army. "I'm scared, plain and simple," Rigbe told reporters. "I'll see the vagina one weekend a month from now until my retirement, but it won't be the same."

Friends were not surprised at Rigbe's anxiety, given his need to forever remain wrapped within the Army's moist wetness indefinitely.