Sergeants Major Academy Spokesman Admits E-9s Are 'Pretty Much Worthless’

FORT BLISS, Texas — Sergeants Major across the Army have reacted with stunned outrage after candid comments from a spokesman for the Sergeants Major Academy were included in a recent story in the Army Times newspaper.

Command Sgt. Maj. Rory Malloy, current commandant of the Sergeants Major Academy system of professional NCO education, admitted during an interview with Times' reporter Leo Shane that the rank and position were both "pretty much worthless."

Malloy also went on to describe how the position of sergeant major was simply a by-product of having to put someone in charge of the first sergeants. "There was really no other reason for it," he said.

"We [at the Sergeant Major Academy] tried to do our best to minimize the damage this position could inflict on the functional Army, teaching things like uniform standards, blind adherence to outdated regulations, and a total disregard for the Army training cycle," Malloy says in the interview, which was published Tuesday. "Unfortunately the whole thing took on a life of its own. Soon command sergeants major were getting their own parking spots and being allowed to speak in settings they had no business being in, like training meetings."

The Times report, which noted the creation of the rank was for administrative purposes only, details the incredible damage inflicted upon the Army in following years.

"You can’t have first sergeants running around without someone in charge of them," Malloy said. "But this, this is just wrong. We should all just retire after E-8. That’s the last time any of us had actually contributed to the military."

Although the Pentagon did not respond to a request for comment, sources claimed that weeping could be heard coming from Command Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler’s office, where he had remained locked inside for the past 24 hours.

Meanwhile, another source admitted that when the announcement was made, Gen. Ray Odierno began laughing so hard that he had to leave the room.

UPDATE: The Pentagon released a statement claiming that The Department of the Army fully supports the implementation of the position of Sergeant Major, and "greatly appreciates the invaluable contributions that the men and women holding that rank offer the service in area beautification, uniform inspection, and reflective belt enforcement roles."