Airman, Guardsman Heroically Subdue Media Interest In Female Army Rangers

PARIS, France — Two American servicemen are being hailed after they subdued media interest in female Army Rangers, sources confirmed today. A civilian who also participated is being widely disregarded.

Sr. Airman Spencer Stone and Oregon National Guard Spc. Alek Skarlatos acted swiftly to move the news cycle along after it remained stagnant on the topic of women in combat for more than week, by tackling a man who apparently opened fire on a high speed train in France.

"We knew it was time for action," said Stone. "We had to do something before everyone forgot there were men in the armed forces at all."

The story has virtually eclipsed any mention of two Army officers who will be the first women to do things other women haven't done before, or something.

The female soldier's accomplishment comes in the same week as an announcement by top Navy leaders that the service plans to open its elite SEAL teams to wo- HOLY CRAP AMERICANS ARE STOMPING THE DOG SHIT OUT OF A TERRORIST ON A TRAIN!

Duffel Blog Editor Paul and intrepid reporter Dark Laughter contributed to this story.