THE PENTAGON — Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Troy E. Black screamed at the press today during a conference, saying, “I can quit getting haircuts whenever I want!”

The outburst came amid claims of irresponsible decision-making by essentially the entire Marine Corps leadership, as defies the orders of governors, scientists, and rational human beings.

The hill the Marine Corps has decided to die on? Barbershops.

Black’s response was telling, as it has long been rumored that he and the Marine Corps Commandant are addicted to haircuts. Reports that the sergeant major is bald by choice have spread through the underground, only providing more evidence of this addiction.

According to Black, the Marine Corps’ mission is to “fight on land, sea and air, as well as provide forces and detachments to naval ships and ground operations, and to do so with amazingly short haircuts, to the detriment of the readiness needed to actually do the first part of this mission statement.”

When asked about readiness, …